My friend Jesus.

So...just now, as my mom walked by, I took out my planner and it opened up to a page with two random Buddhas and a Jesus drawn on it. Needless to say, my mom was quite surprised and slightly (very very very very) offended. Luckily, my experience as an Asian child helped me to save myself by letting her know instantly that I certainly didn't put them there.

Anyways, that close-call reminded me of something. My mother's reaction, I must admit, was similar to how I first freaked out when my friend drew Jesus on my planner during school earlier today. This sort of thing goes to show that the freak-out-factor is genetic. I think it's weird how whenever I go to Church (sorry if some people don't like religion-y things), I get told that God should be like my best friend, my dad, my teacher, ....everything. Even though I'm sure that is a very encompassing and good idea, to be honest I can't quite imagine myself saying, "'Sup God," or "Oh hey there, it's the Holy Spirit," or "Holaaaaaaaa.....Jesus." I feel like to revere something, I somehow need to get sort of distant to it: Jesus is amazing y'all, but DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH A HAIR OF HIS HOLY HEAD. IT'S NOT ALLOWED.

I remember this one time I came back from Church when I was about seven, and I was kinda excited 'cuz that was the first time I heard God was supposed to....be my best friend?
So I remember sort of staying up that night at until 12 and just sitting in the dark (this is way back in the old days when 12 was LATE for me)....trying to talk to God. Up till that point, when I prayed, I'd just recited standard stuff. It was the same everyday. So this whole conversational thing was new, and weird. And after struggling for about half an hour, I decided I was being ridiculous and went to sleep.

So what is it that makes people avoid stuff like that? Why is it bad to "talk to God," or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, or whatever floats your boat, for that matter? For me, I feel like there's a taboo. I'm supposed to be super well-behaved talking to someone like, God, have my best attitude, and my brightest smile, and he's supposed to know that everythings going wonderfully. The world is great.

But then, that doesn't quite fit either, does it? It feels so unnatural, so dishonest. Which it is, I guess. So I kinda just felt like writing a thing about Jesus, in a less....not in a less reverent way, but in a less awkward way. In a more honest, blunt way. I'm not quite sure if it's still what I'm looking for, but hopefully, I've gotten somewhere since my seven-year-old problems.

I know a guy named Jesus. He's an old friend. I've known him just about since I was born. He's super smart and he tells good stories, while being the perfect listener. He gets what you're talking about instantly, and he doesn't judge you. So basically, he's an overall awesome and nice guy. But there's a problem. It's not his problem. It's my problem.

He listens even when he knows I'm lying. I know I shouldn't take advantage of that. But thinking about people like Jesus makes me feel like crap. If I were honest I'd probably complain all the time, or freak about something completely irrelevant and unimportant, or talk about a bunch of ordinary, bland topics that he hears about just about a million times a day.

And another thing. I haven't seen him in a long time. Talking to him was awkward, so I guess I quit being his friend over a period of several years. I used to go over every week, I swear, but I'm a busy kid. One week I was busy being sick after staying up three nights in a row, and the next week my mom was sick, and then my dog was sick, I had a birthday party to go to, I had a huge project, I procrastinated on homework, I felt tired, I didn't really know anyone at his house anymore, I couldn't wake up early enough, I forgot about it.

I'm a heathen, I know.....So do you think he'll still be friends with me?

I hope so.
He's a smart guy who can understand. I want his good stories to make me smart, too. And the way he listens makes me wish I talked using a little less words, with a little more honesty.

Simply sincere

I've been thinking about writing in general recently, especially since the beginning of the short story workshops has been freaking me out. I have absolutely NOOOOO idea what I'm going to write about, how I'm going to go about writing it, and when I'm going to start writing it. I'm just at a stasis right now. I can't think of anything to write about when I sit myself down in front of the computer and try to write. I can't just sit in front of a screen and come up with ideas. I just get random thoughts throughout the day, and I try to tuck them in a little pocket in my mind for use later, or I repeat it to myself over and over in my head until I can find paper and a pencil to write with. Usually, I forget what it was that I was so enthusiastic about getting down, and then I have to wait until the next time an idea decides to pop into my mind.

This all led me to think that writing really should be a sincere, natural sort of thing. It can't be forced, there's no formula involved in making a good piece of writing. I always feel like when I write I need to have something meaningful in the words I use, or the subjects I talk about, and then I get super self-conscious and fail miserably. But I had a conversation with one of my friends today, and as I read her messages in the chat box it really hit me what a sincere voice she has. I enjoy talking to her because the way she expresses herself is so candid, honest, and open. It invites conversation and reminds me of weird things--like fresh apples waiting to be eaten, or a blank sheet of paper waiting to be written on. She says things that wait to be discussed, thought about, and enjoyed.

Things can be enjoyed even if they're conversational. They're just nice in their simplicity. A complex topic can be presented in a simple voice, and everything becomes all the more striking, more forward, more memorable. I want to write like that eventually. Hopefully, with time I'll become completely comfortable about writing in my voice, with no bells and whistles attached.

Oh hey there

I haven't legit posted in this blog for a long time. All of the posts have been stuff I've written for class, or assignment posts. I kind of want to keep a steady flow of voluntary posts in here too...BUT SCHOOL HAS DECIDED TO FIGHT MEEEEE. yeah.

I think I like this course more and more as it goes on. Truthfully, I was kind of dreading it before the school year started. I opened up the letter from school and my heart dropped down to my stomach when I saw "Writing Fiction." I can write literature analysis. I can write journal entries (cause no-no-no-no-nooooooooooobody else can see them). But fiction is a whole nuther planet, darling. And the idea of sharing my creative writing just made me cringe. Literary analysis is more professional, it's based off of another person's work. But something that I bring life to myself seems....much more likely to appear deformed, wrong, weird, boring, dull to others. I'm still dreading the writing workshop. I have no idea what kind of short story I'm supposed to write. I'm used to responding to prompts and whatnot....As you can probably tell, my writing gets pretty incoherent once I decide to write voluntarily and RRRRRamble away to the stars!!!

oh dear. unbelievable.

This is also sort of how I am with my college essay. I don't know how i'm supposed to write this darn thing. And it's awkward when I need to share it with other people for edits. It's supposed to be such a personal, "this is me" sort of piece, but the more people look at it, the more they ogle it, I feel like i need to make it less and less and less personal so I can shield myself from their laser-eyes.

I wonder when I stopped writing fiction. That last sentence implies that at one point and enjoyed and consistently wrote made-up stories....which i did! I was cleaning out my desk, and I found my book of ridiculous stories from when I was 4 or 5 or 6. Haha, it was amusing. but haha, if anyone saw it I think I would be quite, quite humiliated.

My stories were crazy (awesome)! But i am not posting them on the internet. Oh-no, no-no, no-no-no-no-nooooooo. I suspect my stories reflect my state of mind at the time. I also suspect, from the sort of drawings I still draw on the computer, that my mind has not left it's childish state.

...I like my mind that way :)

Assigned Blog Post #2

PROMPT: After reading multiple stories from the same writer, do you start to recognize certain styles or patterns they have in their writing? Are there certain aspects of their subjects that they consistently pay special attention to? Do they have a specific or notable sentence structure? Do they tend to go to the same family of similes or metaphors every time? What common threads do you see? What makes the stories “belong” to the writer?

Now think about your own writing. Do you have a specific style? Is there a certain way you write that is different from anyone else? What is your “signature”? Do you have one?

I think certain styles or patterns are certainly recognizable for particular writers. This is not only for writing style and word choice, but also subject matter and consequently broader trends in tone and mood. Diaz, for example, has stories that speak with a very casual, literal, slang style. His similes and metaphors are often creative, meant to be humorous, and very exaggerated. In addition, Diaz writes stories that is in the context of his particular cultural upbringing. His stories are generally about his family or the people he himself probably new as a child. His heritage and the sort of language he must have used as a child with his family is clear in the overall language of all of his stories. The stories all usually give a bright, lively feeling, and the way in which the stories are told causes the reader to imagine the story as if it were being told in the moment. All of these aspects, then, in combination, create Diaz's unique voice.

As to my own stories, I'm not quite sure what sort of style I have. I think that more experienced writers are able to have they're own "signature" styles and voices in writing because they've written enough to know what type of writing they are most comfortable with. I'm not sure if I've found that yet. It's difficult for me to write, and sometimes I end up reading and rereading my works over and over again because I don't feel like it's quite right. Just now, too, I debated using "because," "'cause" and "cuz" in my last sentence!! Should I write formally? Just as I speak? A little bit of both!?!?!? I dunno. I supposed I do inevitably put in elements of my speech in here. But then there're<--(conjugations always make my stylistically conflicted) soooo many different things that i can do when I tell a story to evoke a certain attitude or mood, I just confuse myself.

One particular stylistic thing that trips me up is the usage of capitals. This drives me nuts. When I talk about death or truth, I often like to personify them. I write Death and Truth, not death and truth. But then I turn it in and get it evaluated, and my paper comes back with red x's over the caps, which gets on my nerves a lot. It really tells me that the person who just edited my paper doesn't think I know how to use capital letters....but I do!!! It was just a style attempt....

So....I don't think I quite have a signature style yet. Or maybe I do, but I don't know it yet. Maybe signatures aren't something to create. Maybe they're just developed naturally, unconsciously, inevitably. How else would they seem so real and fluid?

Now that I've read over what I've just written, I realized something. I like leaving out the "and" when I have lists in my writing. AH-HAH!! So it's a natural unconscious thing. :)

But I guess people can choose to "grow into" styles that they'd like to have....like an over time sort of thing... By shaping and pruning their style, I guess they can make it fit their purposes for writing. But beneath all the changes they make in their style intentionally, I think, they're natural voice will still show hints here and there.

Did this make sense? I hope so. I think I have a confusing style of writing.