I've been feeling pressured to post something on my blog--something meaningful, or a short-short story, or an opinion on an interesting topic. Which is, looking at it now, a stupid idea. I think this mindset completely denies me the ability to write anything genuine. It molds my opinions and reflections into fiction, and my fiction into trash. For the last several days, I've intermittently opened up to the "new post" page and ended up doing nothing but waste my time trying to think of something to say. Or rather, I think of things to say, but I end up feeling like they're not the right things to say, so I keep on looking for other things to say.
Once I think of something suitable, I type it up, click publish post, and woohoo! I said something special, haven't I? Joy. Once again, I've impulsively polluted the interwebs with random crap that seemed to sound "just right" at the time.
I need to learn how to shut up.
How do people do that? How do reputations build up? What causes people to tune out the ones who say too much? What causes people to listen carefully to the ones who say so little? I suppose the people more carefully listened to are the ones who speak at the right times, and say genuine things. I suppose they are the type of people who don't feel pressured to speak when they don't have something to say. I suppose they're fine with saying nothing.
As I type this up, I wonder what kind of junk I'm coming up with now. I wonder if I'm just babbling on, again. I wonder if I should be saying nothing. I wonder if what I'm saying--all this "i need to shut up" is just serving to further illustrate my point that I am writing a lot of quantity and little to no quality, that I am doing plenty of complaining and barely any thinking.
And you know what? I don't even know what I'm looking to say. The speech just happens. I open my mouth (or rather I open up blogger), and the word-vomit just spills out. I have no sense of when to quit, or whether I'm even making any sense. Probably I make very little sense. Never keeping track of how long it's been since I've started exerting energy on something pointless is my specialty. And let's be honest, my lack of sleep at night is just dumb. It goes to show how much of my life I use carelessly. But again, I don't know why that happens. It just does. I look at the clock and it's 1, or 2, or 3 in the morning. OH LOOK, A WHOLE DAY'S GONE PAST WHILE I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION. AGAIN.
oh look. I envy everyone exactly the opposite of me. oh look. I mean to say a lot of things to a lot of people, but I'm incapable of choosing the right opportunities and the right times. oh look. I read over the journals I've kept over the years to realize that I've never found the right words, I have the depth of a paper plate, and I only write when I'm angsty or overjoyed about stupid, stupid things. oh look. look. The things I write tell me how egotistical I've been, trying to "maintain memories" of everything. But Memento made me think, we really do only remember things we want to remember. Or at least, I do. And apparently I only want to remember garbage. Out of the notebooks of material i've kept over the years, I've only seen a few sentences worth keeping. The superfluous sheets of records, the exclamation marks, the scribbles, the EVERYTHING only serves to show me just how many times I should have been saying nothing.
And I suppose after I post this, I'll cheer myself up by forgetting about it. Push it back to another day. How about I not deal with any of my problems? I'm sure things will be fine considering I've been doing it for the last several years. Soon, I'm going to be itching to make another blog post, itching to spend my time as unwisely as possible. The only time I'm capable of saying nothing is when I'm asleep. And as you all are so sweetly aware, I rarely sleep. Fitting, isn't it?
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ReplyDeletei don't think it's as much of an issue of "how important is this to everyone else" as is "how important is this to me." this is YOUR blog, YOUR ideas, YOUR world, YOUR rules. you govern what is important and what's not.
another thing i find helpful for blogging is just kinda doing other things. when inspiration hits me (or i just want to rant/ramble about things) i go hit the "new post" button. that's why sometimes i post like three times a day. and mind you, nothing that i say is important. i have 113 posts of unimportance. but to me, it's important--it's a portrait of my thoughts and a portrait of me.