halp, html does not love me

I am quite convinced that html hates me, actually.

On one hand....I finished another picture with my tablet! YAYYYYYYYYY this picture has been bugging me for ages because i've always been
intending to do it...while not actually doing it. BUT the snow day decided to happen, and I got to put off homework even mooooooore than usual.

ON THE OTHER HANDDD
I can't figure out all this stupid html crap blah blah blah and i don't get how to make it the background scale itself according to the screen size/browser size.
Somebody help me please? ._.
I already tried googling, I don't understand ;_;

....yeah.

Post Story Depression

I think I have a severe case of Post Story Depression.

Whenever I finish a story, I find myself getting seriously disappointed, bored, and overall dissatisfied with myself.

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why Mom can't go to Costco alone

There's a reason why I can't let my mom go to Costco alone. I decided to represent this with a short dialogue. This is the kind of dialogue that goes between me and my mom ALL THE TIME, translated into English from Konglish. unless she is angering at me, of course.

Mom: These are the right bars, right?

Me: uh….no.…I said NatureValley Bars. These are ZBars.

Mom: WHATTT

Me: …That’s why I told you to buy the bars when I’m there. Or to call me.

Mom: I did call you. You didn’t pick up.

Me: …you called my cell phone. I can’t hear that. We also have a home phone.

Mom: ……………………..whatever. I’m returning them the next time I go to Costco.

Me: No, I’ll just eat them instead or something.

Mom: No, I’m returning them.

Me: It’s fine, I’ll eat them.

Mom: NUUUUUUUUUUU I NEED TO RETURN THEM.

Me: But I’m hungr—

Mom: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

....in addition to the ZBars, my mom brought home bell peppers (as I predicted), two boxes of apples (as I predicted), 5 jumbo lint rollers, bananas, and chocolate for our neighbors. She also bought a pair of headphones I wasn't supposed to see and a box of pomegranates! Good job, Mom, the pomegranates were unexpected. :)

A Scarlet Letter?!?!? No.......i tricked you.

Just a random letter to myself in the ridiculous hours of the morning.

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colorless junk

November 27, 2010 12:16AM

Right now, I’ve been looking at the empty personal message box open on my messenger application. It kind of makes me sit and wonder. Especially since my mind is just looking to be distracted right now.

How do I feel?

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uhm. what? double rainbows? not really.

I'm currently supposed to be working on college apps. But I never seem to be able to think of anything relevant unless it's due in 5 minutes.

....and it's not due in 5 minutes. So.

I haven't written anything for a while. I just feel like I don't really have anything to say. Actually, I do have things to say. I'm just being super lazy. It's hibernation season. All this winter and snow makes me feel extra slow.

But after listening to the same song on repeat 42 (43 now...) times, I've decided I really should write something. Even if it's not for college apps. So I'm just going to write a random story, regardless of how terribly it turns out. It's half stream of consciousness, since I'm just going to write it as random ideas pop into my head. Okay?

Even if you're not okay with it, too bad. I really need to get writing. And I feel sort of snobby right now. Sorry.

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rust, anyone?

Rust makes me think of being disappointed. It's like a shiny nail that's turned all brown and is falling apart gradually (chemistry students, unite!). It's like you expect a beautiful carmine sort of flower, and once it blooms you find out it's been half chewed by aphids and whatnot and is in the process of decaying. It's like picking out an awesome apple at QFC (people don't seem to pick apples off of trees nowadays...) and turning it over to see an ugly, ugly bruise. Rust is upsetting.

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AHA! ~Just a Cool, Stone Blue.

So! I've reached some decisions regarding how I'm going to tackle my brain-drought.

I've been looking around on the internet and getting some ideas...
This whole time, I've been avoiding writing any stories for quite a while, in order to "save" any ideas that occur to me by chance so I could use it for my short story later, and I don't think it's getting me anywhere.

Therefore, I'm going to do exactly the opposite and try to write as many stories as possible :)
Also, I like how some blogs are themed, so I think I'm going to focus each of my stories on a color, or at least associate my story in some way with a color, since there's an infinite number of colors, and I think colors say a lot. And i guess my stories will just be like 300-500 words or something....

This new way of thinking seems to be working. I thought of it last night, and this morning I got my first story idea in a long time (although it was sorta random) by the time I was brushing my teeth! so basically as soon as I woke up :)

So here is my first practice story? And hopefully by the time my short story is actually

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GUYS. We're ALL Prism flavored!

I was surfing the interwebs when all of a sudden I saw an ad. For 5 gum.

Prism flavored.....an electric watermelon.

I'm still feeling sorta blah creativity-wise, but i've just been getting over it by doing chem homework, and seeing this ad just made me feel a lot better.

But really. Who thought of that name? What do prisms have to do, in any way, with watermelons? or electric ones, for that matter? How do people make those associations?

It kind of makes me think of those ridiculous internet/magazine quizzes. like, Which celebrity are you? What is yo' animal? Who is yo' Twilight love match? (wow, ew).

...If you're mostly A's, you're THIS. If you're mostly B's, you're THAT. If you're mostly C's, you're NEITHER, and consequently very-very, very very very very VERY unacceptably lame. You should change yourself so you're either mostly A's or mostly B's, got it?

But it's not just those quizzes. People in general, I think, have the tendency to try and label themselves under certain categories. It's supposed to refrect yo' chaaaaractaaar and sho' yu de weeeei. Even at camps, I've heard random questions like, If you were a FRUIT (just imagine you were!) what FRUIT would you be?....or maybe you are actually a VE-GE-TA-BLE?!?!? If your name was a CITY, what CITY would you want? Rrrrrromantic, like Paris? Byoootiful, like Bellevue? Sketchy, like Las Vegas (i see what you did there, buddy)?

It's not exactly a bad thing to want to put a label on things, I guess. But I also think it obscures things. It makes people focus on a single aspect of something, rather than looking at the whole. If we looked at things holistically, there'd be no way for us to label ourselves like that. There would be no words. But, I think, there would be stories.

From what I've read of the workshop stories, so many of the characters are so filled out, so real, so 3D. And it's not from direct description. It's from their experiences that I witness in the stories written about them, and sooner or later, while I'm reading the story, I feel like I'm almost reading a huge character sketch every time, because I get to know the character so well! But if you asked me to describe the character, I wouldn't be able to find the right words at all. The feelings that the stories evoke......they're somethin' else. No words to describe the thoughts and sympathy they grow, Prism flavored or not.

Running Dry

I'm starting to freak out, which is stupid, considering I have about two months (A LITTLE LESS, ACTUALLY, OMGGGG) to write my story. Stupid, stupid. And really I shouldn't be worrying about my nonexistent, far off story because I should actually be worrying about my UW app, which I haven't started, despite the fact that it's due the day after tomorrow. Anyways, I always seem to be worrying about dumb things, in a dumb order of importance.

Sometimes, I even manage to worry a little about my inability to set my priorities straight! Brilliant, eh? I know. I'm a brilliant kid, and you're jealous. -.- just kidding.

I'm in a really blah sort of state right now. My whole life is blah, college apps are blah, and my short story has accomplished the amazing feat of being blah without even existing.

But seriously, I have NO IDEA what I'm doing with my story, and I am quite, quite quite quite concernnned that I'm going to be this blank by the time January rrrrrrolls around and my story is DUE. ICK. These stories I've been reading for workshop are BRILLIANT so yeah, I feel especially clueless now. It's amazing how unique people's ideas are, how their stories are fiction, yet so them. How does that happen? How do bits and pieces of ourselves sneak in, slip in and pop up in random parts of our stories?

So anyways....I'm going to start writing random ideas, bits and pieces, NOW. TODAY. TODAY IS THE DAY......for what? I have no idea about that, either. But the brainstorm needs to start brewing ASAP. Right now I admit it's a bit of a noob-tropical storm out in the middle of whatever the lamest ocean is (which do YOU think the lamest ocean is? ha).

So. Don't read this next part, if anyone was reading this in the first place.This is my storm-in-the-making. And hopefully, if my creativity-drought ends, by January I can make it something that can reckon with the likes of Poseidon (I wish).

Some things I want in my story.....mabes:

• weird quirks. People can be so strange.
• Fortune cookies
• Food in general?
• Those faces I always seem to imagine when I see car headlights...
• colors?
• superheroes?
• letters?
• I can't decide if I want a happy ending or a sad one. both of them seem difficult.
• Setting: our everyday world? a high rise? the city? a park? a single room? a door? a not-door (window)? a desk?
  
• a dentist
• A single, yellow canine in an otherwise white and flawless smile
• markers

wtf this is such a random list. what am i doing!?! This isn't helping. And I'm beginning to have trouble ignoring the webassign tab on the left side of my browser and the UW app tab next to it, and the fact that I have a college interview tomorrow.

So far, I've only been able to make decisions on what I don't want to write. I don't want a love story, or a story placed in the country, or one with many characters or dialogue. I'm looking for something simple and maybe slightly strange in my messed-up, upside-down mind. I'm thinking I still need a longgggggggg while before I can sort things out.

....Therefore, WEBASSIGN GO T_T

My friend Jesus.

So...just now, as my mom walked by, I took out my planner and it opened up to a page with two random Buddhas and a Jesus drawn on it. Needless to say, my mom was quite surprised and slightly (very very very very) offended. Luckily, my experience as an Asian child helped me to save myself by letting her know instantly that I certainly didn't put them there.

Anyways, that close-call reminded me of something. My mother's reaction, I must admit, was similar to how I first freaked out when my friend drew Jesus on my planner during school earlier today. This sort of thing goes to show that the freak-out-factor is genetic. I think it's weird how whenever I go to Church (sorry if some people don't like religion-y things), I get told that God should be like my best friend, my dad, my teacher, ....everything. Even though I'm sure that is a very encompassing and good idea, to be honest I can't quite imagine myself saying, "'Sup God," or "Oh hey there, it's the Holy Spirit," or "Holaaaaaaaa.....Jesus." I feel like to revere something, I somehow need to get sort of distant to it: Jesus is amazing y'all, but DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH A HAIR OF HIS HOLY HEAD. IT'S NOT ALLOWED.

I remember this one time I came back from Church when I was about seven, and I was kinda excited 'cuz that was the first time I heard God was supposed to....be my best friend?
So I remember sort of staying up that night at until 12 and just sitting in the dark (this is way back in the old days when 12 was LATE for me)....trying to talk to God. Up till that point, when I prayed, I'd just recited standard stuff. It was the same everyday. So this whole conversational thing was new, and weird. And after struggling for about half an hour, I decided I was being ridiculous and went to sleep.

So what is it that makes people avoid stuff like that? Why is it bad to "talk to God," or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, or whatever floats your boat, for that matter? For me, I feel like there's a taboo. I'm supposed to be super well-behaved talking to someone like, God, have my best attitude, and my brightest smile, and he's supposed to know that everythings going wonderfully. The world is great.

But then, that doesn't quite fit either, does it? It feels so unnatural, so dishonest. Which it is, I guess. So I kinda just felt like writing a thing about Jesus, in a less....not in a less reverent way, but in a less awkward way. In a more honest, blunt way. I'm not quite sure if it's still what I'm looking for, but hopefully, I've gotten somewhere since my seven-year-old problems.

I know a guy named Jesus. He's an old friend. I've known him just about since I was born. He's super smart and he tells good stories, while being the perfect listener. He gets what you're talking about instantly, and he doesn't judge you. So basically, he's an overall awesome and nice guy. But there's a problem. It's not his problem. It's my problem.

He listens even when he knows I'm lying. I know I shouldn't take advantage of that. But thinking about people like Jesus makes me feel like crap. If I were honest I'd probably complain all the time, or freak about something completely irrelevant and unimportant, or talk about a bunch of ordinary, bland topics that he hears about just about a million times a day.

And another thing. I haven't seen him in a long time. Talking to him was awkward, so I guess I quit being his friend over a period of several years. I used to go over every week, I swear, but I'm a busy kid. One week I was busy being sick after staying up three nights in a row, and the next week my mom was sick, and then my dog was sick, I had a birthday party to go to, I had a huge project, I procrastinated on homework, I felt tired, I didn't really know anyone at his house anymore, I couldn't wake up early enough, I forgot about it.

I'm a heathen, I know.....So do you think he'll still be friends with me?

I hope so.
He's a smart guy who can understand. I want his good stories to make me smart, too. And the way he listens makes me wish I talked using a little less words, with a little more honesty.

Bloodtypes EVERYWHERE

My mom and I have weird conversations during dinner. Yesterday, she was telling me about guessing one's personality based on bloodtypes. Although I was skeptical, suddenly I was seeing bloodtypes all over the place, guessing bloodtypes, and trying to figure out what I was (because sadly, even doctor's daughters don't know their bloodtypes sometimes -_-. My dad can be so fail sometimes).

I'm still not quite sure if I believe what my mom said. I don't totally disbelieve it, either--I've inherited superstition and a dislike of skepticism >.<

Anyways, I think I'm an A. therefore, A's FTW.
yeah. that was completely objective.

Okay. I admit guessing personality by bloodtype is ridiculous, but I don't want to eliminate the possibility. What if it's tied to some other ridiculous gene that communicates a person's sensitivity, thought processes, extro/introversion, etc?

Huh. I don't like that idea either, now that I think of it. I don't like the idea that personality depends on genetics. I'd really just like to believe that people have complete free will, that there's no factors that determine who someone is, that all of it is just innate, and that we're all in full control. I just want to think that there's a little bit of magic involved in how a person works, that there's something special that distinguishes a human from a dead, empty carcass--not just that one's alive and the other's not, but that there's a soul in one, and not in the other. I like hoping that afterwards, there's something that all people can look forward to and hope for, that life doesn't just end here, that the magic that makes a living person's eyes glow with meaning doesn't just crumble away once the sense of alertness leaves ones eyes, and the eyes grow dull and thoughtless.

How did a ramble on bloodtypes end up like this? I'm always so unfocused and shooting off on weird tangents.

....it must mean I'm bloodtype A.

jk. :)

Simply sincere

I've been thinking about writing in general recently, especially since the beginning of the short story workshops has been freaking me out. I have absolutely NOOOOO idea what I'm going to write about, how I'm going to go about writing it, and when I'm going to start writing it. I'm just at a stasis right now. I can't think of anything to write about when I sit myself down in front of the computer and try to write. I can't just sit in front of a screen and come up with ideas. I just get random thoughts throughout the day, and I try to tuck them in a little pocket in my mind for use later, or I repeat it to myself over and over in my head until I can find paper and a pencil to write with. Usually, I forget what it was that I was so enthusiastic about getting down, and then I have to wait until the next time an idea decides to pop into my mind.

This all led me to think that writing really should be a sincere, natural sort of thing. It can't be forced, there's no formula involved in making a good piece of writing. I always feel like when I write I need to have something meaningful in the words I use, or the subjects I talk about, and then I get super self-conscious and fail miserably. But I had a conversation with one of my friends today, and as I read her messages in the chat box it really hit me what a sincere voice she has. I enjoy talking to her because the way she expresses herself is so candid, honest, and open. It invites conversation and reminds me of weird things--like fresh apples waiting to be eaten, or a blank sheet of paper waiting to be written on. She says things that wait to be discussed, thought about, and enjoyed.

Things can be enjoyed even if they're conversational. They're just nice in their simplicity. A complex topic can be presented in a simple voice, and everything becomes all the more striking, more forward, more memorable. I want to write like that eventually. Hopefully, with time I'll become completely comfortable about writing in my voice, with no bells and whistles attached.