colorless junk

November 27, 2010 12:16AM

Right now, I’ve been looking at the empty personal message box open on my messenger application. It kind of makes me sit and wonder. Especially since my mind is just looking to be distracted right now.

How do I feel?

I dunno. I looked at messages people have up. They’re usually quotes, or short witty things, or single-word statements. But I feel really Not-Anything, so I ignore “Share a quick message” and leave the status thing empty. I feel really Not-Here, so I switch my status to Away, even though I’m still sitting in front of the computer and looking at the messenger box. Even though I’m sitting here, typing all this random….stuff.

I wonder what determines how people feel at random times? What prompts me to delete my Facebook status? People have been telling me to get a profile picture. But really, right now I feel very much like the generic gray and white picture Facebook automatically puts up. And my blog background. I’ve felt like changing it just to a solid color for the LONGEST TIME EVER. I just haven’t yet. I can’t decide what color. Red seems too loud and angry. Orange is too blatant, like a person who can’t keep their mouth shut. Yellow’s way too goody-goody and cheerful. Green is a radioactive accident, Blue’s so ordinary, Purple’s being obnoxious. White is too bright, Black is too dark, Gray is too bright and dark at the same time. BLAH. All I’m doing is complaining!!!! Maybe it’s good that I can’t reach a decision and change it to a solid color. Solid colors kind of hurt the eyes when they’re plastered on a computer screen anyways. Maybe it’s just impossible for people to feel completely satisfied with defining themselves by a single color. Or maybe I’m just being overly picky.

This reminds me. I was kind of disappointed by something I saw on a documentary once, about genetics. Do genes really determine everything? I mean, I do like the whole genetics-omg-it’s-like-a-puzzle-piece-slash-KEY-TO-LIFE and that whole dea—okay, maybe not the “key-to-life” part. I don’t like that. I’d like to think there’s something about personality that goes past chemicals and impulses jolting around the brain. That being myself and the making the choices I choose has to do with something beyond proteins or whatever. I feel like it kind of does away with free will, which makes me a terrible cognitive psychologist, doesn’t it? Well, CogPsych doesn’t like me either. It keeps telling me I’m feeling very Not-Anything right now because that’s what the chemicals up in my head are saying. Huh. well.

WEM. WEM. WEMMMMMM.

I really need to complete my college app right now. Or my mom isn’t taking me to Costco tomorrow. And what would my poor empty refrigerator do without me calling the shots on the food my mom buys? If I don’t go, things can get tragic! The future of my lonely fridge is in my hands!!!

No seriously, it is. If I don’t go to Costco with my mom, she’s probably going to come back with a bag of pre-cut lettuce and a box of apples. And maybe a thing of vitamins; they’re running low at the moment. All we have in our fridge right now is leftover turkey, eggs, butter, and huge jar of kimchi.

Oh guess what, I just checked the fridge, and my memory was wrong. We also have two cups of (gross) blueberry yogurt and frozen, microwaveable corn.

Considering this is an emergency that threatens my future supply of Christmas cookies, I’m going to stop blathering.

Good bye, random post. I can’t decide on a color to associate you with.